How to Deal When a Colleague Is Threatened by You

If you find yourself working alongside that colleague who routinely undercuts you in meetings, puts you down in conversations or criticizes your work in front of others, take note. Those are telltale signs that he or she may be threatened by you. It’s difficult to exhibit your professional best, while also trying to deflect the shade that your colleague is throwing your way.  

While this situation can be tough to navigate, know that you have power here. Clarity helps: Understanding why you’re being treated this way can yield strategies for managing it. Here’s what you need to know.

Fight or Flight 

It may seem like the person who is treating you this way is coming from a place of confidence and control, but the opposite is, in fact, the case. 

Dr. Claudia Luiz, award-winning author of The Making of a Psychoanalyst explains: “People act threatened by going into either fight or flight. In the fight position, they behave in a hostile way for fear of feeling inadequate or of being thwarted. In the flight mode, they shut down and stonewall and you absolutely cannot connect to the person. . . A lot of feelings can be behind feeling threatened by someone. The feelings that get aroused can range from deep inadequacy to actual fear.”

If your talent is stirring this reaction in your colleague, this certainly isn’t your fault. But it helps to have a sense of where that person is coming from; after all, you have to work with him or her. 

Luiz explains, “Competent or beautiful people can arouse our worst fears about ourselves as well as our most unresolved anger about feeling lesser-than.”

You don’t need this back-handed compliment. It’s not your responsibility to make your colleague comfortable with you. But if you think it’s worth your effort, forging well-functioning relationships can make things easier at work. 

Decide What You Need

While harmonious relationships are helpful and satisfying in the workplace, you don’t have to get along with everyone. Deciding what you need in this situation is step one. Is it worth it to try to finesse a relationship here, or are you better served to keep your distance? 

If you feel compelled to put effort into this relationship, know that it can be a chore. So think it through, and make sure it’s worth it. Luiz advises: “It takes work to put someone at ease who is threatened by you, and it requires both compassion and inauthenticity since you can’t really be yourself with the person (after all, the person is not really seeing you for the totality of who you are, and is pushing you away whether they do so with the fight or flight). Therefore, you should always ask yourself, ‘what is my goal in putting this person at ease?’”

Be clear in your own mind about how you plan to proceed with this relationship and why you’ve decided to do so. 

It’s also important to note and document instances that concern you, especially any that could put you at risk in any way, such as damaging your professional reputation. If you detect that this person is circulating incorrect information or publically questioning your competence, it may be in your best interest to give your manager a heads up. Note dates and times when instances took place and include a list of other staff people who were present. 

Neutralizing the Situation

If you decide to move forward in your efforts to win over your difficult colleague, Luiz advises: “The way to neutralize a situation where someone feels threatened by you is to humanize yourself. Translation: talk about vulnerabilities such as food allergies, the pressure to do too much with a busy household, grief because a family member died, or even honesty about a failure. In other words, painting yourself as a person who also struggles and has difficulties can change a person’s feelings who may otherwise feel threatened because they put you on a pedestal.” 

But know that if you take this route you need a clear sense of your own boundaries. You don’t want the project of humanizing yourself to give your colleague fodder for further mistreatment. Luiz explains: “[H]umanizing yourself may not work if a person wants to seek revenge at the hands of feeling inadequate or threatened. When a person is seeking revenge, they don’t want to humanize you, they want to put you down.” 

If you discover that this is the case, then it’s important to be firm and clear in the boundaries you set. Luiz advises “[Y]ou have to put a stop to it by simply saying ‘I don’t like the way you are behaving towards me.’ There are many ways of saying that you don’t like the behavior, such as ‘please stop talking over me in meetings,’. . . and otherwise setting up boundaries to protect yourself from destructive behavior. People who feel threatened and are seeking revenge are often engaging in unconscious behavior. A firm redirect can go far in putting a stop to how they are behaving.”

Deal Breakers

While you may be able to salvage the relationship, it’s more complicated when a supervisor or a higher-level professional is the one who’s enacting this behavior. If that’s the case, Luiz points out: “If the superior is determined to put down an underling, that underling is not in a safe place.” In this case, document and report to a leader you consider safe and to your HR colleagues.  

Remember...

You deserve to feel safe and respected at your workplace. There’s no justification for mistreatment. If you endeavor to put your colleague at ease, it’s kind of you. It may reduce the weight of this hassle, but don’t feel like you have to. 

It’s not your role to make this work, it’s your colleague’s responsibility to stop dragging his or her baggage to work.